Once hurt, always hurt
Back when I was in school, I was hurt a lot as far as feelings go. I was made fun of, ignored, whatever, you get the idea. I ended up with the attitude that I don’t care what other people think, and I have had this attitude since. And for the most part, that attitude has served me well. Until now that is.
People don’t like me at work for various reason, and I don’t care. You hear rumors about me depending on who you talk to and I don’t care. I probably start half the rumors doing things I shouldn’t but I don’t care. Now with my separation and inevitable divorce, the rumors are really flying and I thought I didn’t care. Apparently I was wrong. She was my wife’s friend as well as mine. She still is and that’s fine with me, I’ve never asked anyone to take sides. Most people have been good about this and are still friends with both. Only 1 person comes to mind that was both of our friends doesn’t like me anymore. And that hurt. I’ve always been able to shrug people off that don’t like me, even friends who have gotten mad at me. But for some reason it bugged me and took awhile to get over it. Technically you could probably say I’m not completely over it.
Anyways, today at work, my soon to be ex-wife came in and pulled the friend mentioned above over to the side and started talking. I could see my wife keep turning around and looking at me so I know they were talking about me. I guess technically I didn’t “know” but you know what I mean. It brought up a lot of feelings of getting made fun of when I was younger. Like I said, normally it doesn’t bother me, but for some reason this time did. Drudged up all those feeling of being left out and being picked on.
I guess those feelings never really go away. You may learn to deal with those doing it to you and you may learn to bury it, but you never forget how it feels to be on this end. It caused me skip many, many days of school growing up. I hated school. Now that I’m older, I realize it wasn’t school that I hated, but the way I felt at school. I like to go through those old high school photos on my friends facebook accounts but looking at them also depresses me. Reminds me of all those feelings again.
I have grown and have a decent life. I’m in love, have 2 wonderful kids and a consistent job. I have the usual complaints of working too much and not enough money but I would describe my life now as happy most of the time. Which makes me realize how much those repressed feelings can hold over you when brought to your attention. I’m hoping by typing this blog, that I will make myself realize that very thing so they can’t control my life. And who knows, maybe somebody out there may learn something as well.
