Jeff’s blog

Back when I was in school, I was hurt a lot as far as feelings go. I was made fun of, ignored, whatever, you get the idea. I ended up with the attitude that I don’t care what other people think, and I have had this attitude since. And for the most part, that attitude has served me well. Until now that is.

People don’t like me at work for various reason, and I don’t care. You hear rumors about me depending on who you talk to and I don’t care. I probably start half the rumors doing things I shouldn’t but I don’t care. Now with my separation and inevitable divorce, the rumors are really flying and I thought I didn’t care. Apparently I was wrong. She was my wife’s friend as well as mine. She still is and that’s fine with me, I’ve never asked anyone to take sides. Most people have been good about this and are still friends with both. Only 1 person comes to mind that was both of our friends doesn’t like me anymore. And that hurt. I’ve always been able to shrug people off that don’t like me, even friends who have gotten mad at me. But for some reason it bugged me and took awhile to get over it. Technically you could probably say I’m not completely over it.

Anyways, today at work, my soon to be ex-wife came in and pulled the friend mentioned above over to the side and started talking. I could see my wife keep turning around and looking at me so I know they were talking about me. I guess technically I didn’t “know” but you know what I mean. It brought up a lot of feelings of getting made fun of when I was younger. Like I said, normally it doesn’t bother me, but for some reason this time did. Drudged up all those feeling of being left out and being picked on.

I guess those feelings never really go away. You may learn to deal with those doing it to you and you may learn to bury it, but you never forget how it feels to be on this end. It caused me skip many, many days of school growing up. I hated school. Now that I’m older, I realize it wasn’t school that I hated, but the way I felt at school. I like to go through those old high school photos on my friends facebook accounts but looking at them also depresses me. Reminds me of all those feelings again.

I have grown and have a decent life. I’m in love, have 2 wonderful kids and a consistent job. I have the usual complaints of working too much and not enough money but I would describe my life now as happy most of the time. Which makes me realize how much those repressed feelings can hold over you when brought to your attention. I’m hoping by typing this blog, that I will make myself realize that very thing so they can’t control my life. And who knows, maybe somebody out there may learn something as well.

Cheri and I have been talking about Junior High and High school recently and it brings all kinds of memories back, mostly negative. I hated school, which was why I skipped every chance I got. In junior high, I estimate I skipped around 100 days in the 3 years I was there. Usually Mondays, still hate Mondays – lol. I’m not saying if you don’t like school to skip it, I’m just explaining what I did.

Everyone has their own memories of high school, some good, some bad. Mine are mostly bad. I’m not saying I had a horrible childhood or anything because outside of school, I enjoyed my life. What I remember about junior high was getting picked on. Mostly verbally but I was still picked on. Now in hindsight, some of that was my fault, maybe most of it. I was quiet, I didn’t go out of my way to make friends, I alienated people, and because I did some of that, I think kids thought that I thought that I was better than them. I had no desire to “conform” and be a “popular” kid. I took it to extremes where I would do anything to not be popular. I had a few friends that I ate with and talked to, but nobody I was really close too. The one guy that was probably my best friend at the time, ended up in a different click in high school and I lost touch with him. I slept through most of my classes because I like to stay up late at night. I was smart enough to pass anything in class which made up for the fact I hardly ever did any homework. Usually equaled to a C or D but that’s passing and that was all I cared about.

High school was more or less the same, with less skipping because they threatened to expel me if I continued to skip. I started to drive so I would leave after 3rd hour with the career center kids and go home. I was late a lot to 1st hour. One year they threatened to kick me out of my 1st hour if I was late again, so anytime I was late, I would skip that hour and they never did kick me out. The first few years of high school were the same with the kids, got picked on, made fun of, whatever you want to call it. I can think of one kid who constantly wanted to fight me (yes, I do still remember his name) so he could prove how manly he was. I finally gave in and said yes, he told me to meet him somewhere and I told him no, he wants to fight me so bad, he can find me wherever and we’ll do it then. Him and a buddy ended up coming down to my friends house when we were there. They brought a football and we started off by playing a 2 on 2 football game until I ripped his shirt trying to tackle him and then it was on. He kept coming at me, all I did was defend. He maybe landed 3 punches and I never threw any. He eventually got bored and went home but after that day, he wasn’t much of a problem after that either. He particularly didn’t like me because of the next paragraph, a positive about high school. But I’ll get to that in a few. What I did learn in school, was to not care what people thought of me. It took me a long time to learn it, but I did. Once I did, I’d get called a name, I’d look at them and say “thanks.” Once they figured out I didn’t care what they thought, they left me alone. My mom had been telling me that for years but you all know that we’re so much smarter than our parents at that age. And don’t even get me started out on girls, because I had crushes on a few but most wouldn’t give me the time of day. Not that I had the confidence to go up to them either. I don’t recall even having a girlfriend through all of high school. Which might have been a good thing considering I married the next one I dated (2 years after high school.)

The one positive I had in school was sports. Because I was so antisocial, I never really did any organized sports in school. I had gym teachers telling me to all the time to try out for basketball and track but I never did. Probably the only regret I have about school is not playing sports. But in gym class, I was an equal. I was very athletic although I didn’t look it. I used to tear up some of the basketball players who played for the school in gym class. No matter the sport, I picked it up quick and got better than most in a short amount of time. Which would be the reason the kid in the above paragraph didn’t like me. For all the sit there and take it I did in school, in gym, I was aggressive and went after those I didn’t like.

Outside of school, I was a different person. I went to a club in Elkhart where I was popular with the kids and the adults, was liked and looked up to. I’ve always had a great family, although I didn’t appreciate them much back then so my life equaled out I guess.

I said above that the only regret I had was not playing sports for the school and that’s true. That was my ONLY regret because all the other stuff, made me who I am today. I still have some of the attitudes like not caring what others think, but I learned to care what I thought. I still don’t go out of my way to make friends, but I don’t alienate either. If you ask most of my friends from work (and I have) what their 1st impression of me was, the 1 word answer I received the most was they thought I was an a@@hole. But if you take the time to get to know me, I’m a pretty straightforward type of guy, I don’t take any crap from anyone (including bosses, not a good thing) and if you want to know something, ask, because I have nothing to hide. But if your looking for a certain answer then don’t ask me, because I will tell the truth, regardless of how it makes you feel. Which would be why everyone assumes I’m an a@@hole when they meet me. But if you know me, I’m loyal to my friends and family and nobody else. I’ll be the nicest guy but don’t cross me. I’ve never been in a fight (unless you count the one in high school) but I don’t back down from them anymore either. I’m a straightforward, in-your-face kinda guy. It probably helps that I put 100 lbs on since school as well. I am a pretty calm individual, it takes a lot to get me going, probably from sitting there and taking it for as long as I did. I pride myself on being in control, I can only name a few instances where I said something I didn’t mean. I know as far as school memories, there isn’t much up there as in individual stories but I don’t really remember individual stories that shaped who I was. The whole experience shaped who I have become, in good ways and in bad.

If there is one lesson that I could take from school and teach it to my kids, it would be to be yourself (I know, cliche) but it’s true. That can be ones greatest asset at the end of their life is to look back and say “I did it my way.” If your truly being yourself, then chances are you are truly being happy. And that’s what life is about, being happy.