Jeff’s blog

It begins in a dark alley, it’s raining hard, oh wait, wrong story. I’ve had a few people ask me how Cheri and I met and began this thing we like to call “love”. We went to Jr. High/High School together, although neither remembers the other very well and couldn’t even tell you if we ever talked, but here we are, 19 years later and we both add any classmates to our facebook pages and we’d been “friends” for a little while. Commenting here and there but nothing exciting. She posted a status about an “episode” she had and I commented and we talked a little about it. A day or 2 later, I was on 3rd shift at the time (11pm-7am), and had blown a ring on the seal filters which caused 175 degree chemical (nickel) to shoot out with a force to shoot it approximately 30 feet, or at least it went that far after my arm was out of the way. I tweeted “Just burned my arm with 175 degree chemical. Debating on whether I should go to the hospital or not.” She replied “I think you better!!!!” and we were off. Not quite that night but the next day on facebook, we started sending messages back and forth, checking up on each other. We became friends pretty quickly, she wasn’t working at the time so we started tweeting back and forth while I was at work. We switched to texting because I wasn’t supposed to be online at work. We started talking about everything, we both just opened up, which isn’t all that unusual for me but it was for her. She would stay up as long as she could and keep me company while I was at work. Then as soon as I got up from bed in the afternoon, the first thing I would do is check facebook to see if she sent me anything or if she was on.

A littler later, the kids and I were walking downtown, and I got a text from her saying she just had another “episode” and I hit send on my phone and called her. That would be the first time we actually talked and I think I shocked her by calling. I can even show you where on the sidewalk I was when I received her text. I don’t remember calling again for awhile but our discussions got deeper and deeper. We started IM’ing through yahoo and we started doing tell all questions, ask any question you want and the other had to answer truthfully. This, of course, is really where we got to know each other. About this time in the relationship, I was still in total denial of what I was feeling for her. I could tell she liked me but wasn’t sure what to do, I was in a marriage for 15 years and had never really dated before my wife. Never thought I would end up separated or divorced and have to do it ever.

She ended up coming into town and staying with another classmate of ours, we got together at Hacienda. By this time, I think we both knew what we wanted but we’re afraid of complications because of distance amongst other things. We’ve both recounted this evening and I think we both went into it hoping we wouldn’t like the other like we thought we did. But that didn’t happen, we picked up like we’ve known each other for years (I guess technically we have.) We went back to Nancy’s and went 4 wheeling, they didn’t have enough 4 wheelers for everyone so a couple of us rode together, obviously, I rode with her. She drove and I just rode with my arms around her, I even remember putting my head on her shoulder some, I was just so happy to be there. Afterwards we watched a movie and we cuddled on the couch and probably could have all night long. Everything just felt right.

It all steamrolled from there. We talk, text, IM, e-mail all day and night long. If you ask one of us where the other is at any time of the day, we could probably tell you. Here lately we’ve even called and had a few conversations upwards of 5 hours. We just do whatever we’re doing and keep the other on the line. Sometimes we just sit around our homes and have each other on speaker, carrying on conversations with our kids, kinda of a stretch but it makes the other feel like they are there.

We both feel that this relationship is by far the best we’ve each ever had. Open and honest, we talk about anything and everything. As corny as it sounds, we complete each other. We have so much in common but our differences make up for each other’s deficiency’s. All we want and feel is to be together all the time. Between me having little ones and I refuse to leave them and her uprooting hers and a great job that would be tough to leave, it may not happen for a long time. But we both say we would rather have what we have than not have each other at all. We are both 100% committed to the other. It makes for some bad evening where we just want to be together but it also makes the times we are together so much better.

Now here we are, 6 months later, and we have a cult following. Some classmates and friends follow our relationship and there was even a stretch where neither of us posted anything and a couple of people send messages to us asking if everything was ok, we were too quiet. We’re cheesy and make some people sick with our comments about our love for each other, but we don’t care. As long as we’re talking, we’re happy. And we are both happier than we have ever been.

Back when I was in school, I was hurt a lot as far as feelings go. I was made fun of, ignored, whatever, you get the idea. I ended up with the attitude that I don’t care what other people think, and I have had this attitude since. And for the most part, that attitude has served me well. Until now that is.

People don’t like me at work for various reason, and I don’t care. You hear rumors about me depending on who you talk to and I don’t care. I probably start half the rumors doing things I shouldn’t but I don’t care. Now with my separation and inevitable divorce, the rumors are really flying and I thought I didn’t care. Apparently I was wrong. She was my wife’s friend as well as mine. She still is and that’s fine with me, I’ve never asked anyone to take sides. Most people have been good about this and are still friends with both. Only 1 person comes to mind that was both of our friends doesn’t like me anymore. And that hurt. I’ve always been able to shrug people off that don’t like me, even friends who have gotten mad at me. But for some reason it bugged me and took awhile to get over it. Technically you could probably say I’m not completely over it.

Anyways, today at work, my soon to be ex-wife came in and pulled the friend mentioned above over to the side and started talking. I could see my wife keep turning around and looking at me so I know they were talking about me. I guess technically I didn’t “know” but you know what I mean. It brought up a lot of feelings of getting made fun of when I was younger. Like I said, normally it doesn’t bother me, but for some reason this time did. Drudged up all those feeling of being left out and being picked on.

I guess those feelings never really go away. You may learn to deal with those doing it to you and you may learn to bury it, but you never forget how it feels to be on this end. It caused me skip many, many days of school growing up. I hated school. Now that I’m older, I realize it wasn’t school that I hated, but the way I felt at school. I like to go through those old high school photos on my friends facebook accounts but looking at them also depresses me. Reminds me of all those feelings again.

I have grown and have a decent life. I’m in love, have 2 wonderful kids and a consistent job. I have the usual complaints of working too much and not enough money but I would describe my life now as happy most of the time. Which makes me realize how much those repressed feelings can hold over you when brought to your attention. I’m hoping by typing this blog, that I will make myself realize that very thing so they can’t control my life. And who knows, maybe somebody out there may learn something as well.

Where to start, kind of an odd day today. I did something I very rarely do, kinda blew up about something stupid when it wasn’t even the reason I was frustrated. I pride myself on being in good control of my emotions, I very rarely say something I don’t mean (I said rarely, I’m certainly far from perfect). The day started off alright, then gradually went downhill.

I texted Cheri “I feel all alone”
her response “why?”
me “not sure how it started but i’m realizing how few friends I have. Which would be zero”
and so on

All awhile this is going on, I noticed we are only running 3 anodizers (I know most are lost but try to bear with me.) It irritated the crap out of me that we were working all weekend and we’re not even running full production. I go to break and just start ripping into the guy running the middle section (who was only doing what his line leader told him too.) Literally, couldn’t stop myself, I was so pissed. After break, I went back upstairs to work and started thinking, why did that bother me so much, I’m used to the stupid things they do here at work, it doesn’t usually irritate me that bad. The more I thought about it, the more I understood, it was a reaction to my mood. So I had to contemplate on what mood I was in and why. In the end, it came down to being frustrated that the one person who understands me and the one person that I love lives 600 miles away and it was frustrating me.

I’m a thinker, I like to work out problems in my head. Every time Cheri and I are together and we leave, I spend the next couple of hours just trying to think of way for us to be together and both of us have what we want. After a couple of really good evenings this week chatting with her online, some really good, deep conversations. I found myself doing it again, just trying to figure out a way. I wanted to talk to someone about it, but I just don’t really have that kind of friendship with anyone else other than Cheri and I think today I got to a breaking point. Once I realized what all the feelings were about, I felt stupid and embarrassed and ashamed of the way I acted. I couldn’t believe I drug stuff from home into the work place, hence the something I rarely ever do.

In the end, I apologized to the guy that I gave a hard time too (I think he was shocked.) He harassed me some, and said we were cool. I even told everyone in the break room at lunch that I was wrong and that I had apologized to him.

After I identified what was bugging me, everything kinda fell back in place, my mood lifted and I felt better. I’m not sure what lesson you are supposed to take from this blog, but I know once I figured out it had nothing to do with the guy, I felt like crap. I always got on people for dragging their home life into work and taking it out on other people, and here I was doing the same thing. One lesson I guess I can take from this is next time someone is yelling at me, maybe I shouldn’t give it back because they just may need to vent and as long as it doesn’t hurt me, let it go. I have a real hard time letting things go when I feel that I’m wronged and I guess I feel wronged by falling in love with someone who I can’t be with physically. Mentally, we are strong, we know what we want and we both know what’s holding each back from moving. The problem is, we’re both good parents and neither want to leave their kids. I guess I can blame my mom for teaching me family always comes first. I know one day, we will both be together, I just hope I don’t go crazy or do too much of the stupid stuff mentioned above before it happens.

A matter of perception can mean a lot when it comes to the perception other have on you. For instance, my relationship with Cheri. Some people think it’s a rebound for me, some think it’ll never last because of the distance, other’s just don’t know what to think. But that’s not what this blog is about, it’s about self perception.

I can go back as little as 6 months and can tell you I didn’t think much of myself. Funny thing was, I didn’t even know it. I had confidence in my ability, always have, but my self esteem had taken a hit in the last 5 years or so. I won’t go into why as that isn’t important. What is important is how I came to the realization that my self esteem was in the toilet. I met a girl, sounds simple enough, little did I know this girl would turn my world around. What started off as a friendship, someone I could turn to just to complain or share in my joy, blossomed to what it is today.

What is it today, you ask? A real life fairy tale unfolding in front of me. Cheri and I live 600 miles a part and yet I feel closer to her than I ever have anyone. Thanks to technology, we can stay in touch 24/7. We text when one or both aren’t home, and instant message when we both are. We share pictures and videos all the time, even just to show ourselves for the day. But what does all this have to do with my self perception. Well, it’s all because of the little things that I have missed for many years. The compliments about me, the caring voice when i’m doing something stupid and when we’re together, the touching, the hand on my back, the coming up behind me and hugging me, the holding hands, the caressing and even the cuddling.

Again, what does this have to do with perceptions of oneself? I don’t remember what I was like 6 months ago. but I can tell you how I am today. I walk around with my head held high, I catch myself smiling all the time, I sing out loud, whistle, clap all just while I’m walking around. In general, i’m just a happier person. You can’t be that happy and have no self esteem. Cheri has been heaven sent just for me, she makes my life a way better place than it ever was. She has raised my esteem to heights I never thought it could go, just by showing me that someone can love me and find me attractive again. It amazes me how much one persons perception of another can make that person’s perception of themselves so much better.

In closing, remember those perceptions travel both ways, remember next time you are making fun of someone, how your perception of them might effect the perception they have on themselves. I’ve been there as well, it helped me grow but it took it’s toll on me when I was in school. But all that is in the past, I’m as happy as I can be and I see no reason for it to end anytime soon.

I hadn’t published a blog in a little while and was asked if I had a subject in mind and I didn’t. So she told me to do it on nothing, like Seinfeld. So here goes

cue the crickets chirping

That’s about what I got, nothing. I could tell you about how excited I am to be back on 1st shift but how I regret how it happened. I could tell you I had a nice conversation with my brother last night, first one we’ve had in awhile. I could tell you how I’m screwing with a guy at work to make him think I’m having an affair and how mad he is. But I can’t, this one is about nothing.

So what I am going to talk about is friends. Because sometimes they are the best things around and sometimes they are nothing. You have friends that you think might make that status someday but end up failing you, I’ve had lots of those. My first true “best friend” was Marshall. We basically grew up together from junior high on. Had the same interests, we both could sit and shoot a basketball and talk for hours on end, we were there for each other and for our other friends. But even that eventually faded. He went off to college, got new friends, we both changed quite a bit. We still keep in contact (facebook) a little but it will never be the same.

One of the “thought she might make it to best friends” happened recently. Sherry, a girl at work who I had grown close to, but had to really work at to get her to trust me. She had something in her head about being really good friends with a guy that she couldn’t get over. I always knew it was there but I still tried and tried to be a good friend to her but in the end, I was the only one who wanted her to have the “best friend” status. She just wasn’t willing to put forth any effort.

After that happened, I turned to the internet and connected with a girl I went to junior high and apparently high school with. I remember Cheri from junior high but not high school. To be honest, I didn’t recognize her name when I either approved or asked for her friendship. She was listed as had gone to Penn and with 500+ in your graduating class, you tend to not know everyone. So far it was definately worth the chance. 700 miles seperate us and she still has been elevated to that hopeful “best friend” status in just a matter of weeks. Why you ask? Well it started off because she actually communicated with me. And on the internet at that, I enjoy the internet, have for many years. But most of my friends either don’t have it or don’t want to spend time on it. Me, on the other hand, would rather communicate via text message or e-mail then a phone conversation. To me anymore, a phone call is for when you just need something quick. Hey we’re having a party, hey, if you get a chance, can you do this for me. Those conversations that would take too long to text message. We started off with just a comment here or there on our status updates or other things. I joined twitter and hooked up with her there again and it was gradual. I don’t even know how we ended up where we are today and it’s only been a few weeks. Now we talk virtually all the time, if we are both in front of the computer, we IM. If one of us is away we text message. We just talk about every day stuff for the most part, we talk a little of our past and how we got where we are. Lots of joking around and fun stuff. Most of my friends at work don’t see how I can do it, they ask me what she looks like, I don’t know, I’ve only seen headshots. They ask why she stayed up late when I was on 3rd shift, I don’t know, she’s a night person and stayed up late anyways and we kept each other company. We’ve had uncomfortable conversations where your afraid to say what you want because you don’t know how the other is going to react because you don’t know them that well. We’ve had the awkward, sorry if that was too far. And we’re still going strong, still finding new things to talk about, still getting to know each other. With my situation, I wanted someone to talk to because I get little “adult” conversation at home with my 2 kids during the week and lucky me, found someone willing to talk and take a chance at getting to know me. I like to send tweets and I like knowing someone out there cares what I’m doing right now, even if it is boring and mundane. I have family members on twitter and facebook, and for the most part, they don’t contact me much that way. So here’s to a possible friendship that could make the coveted “best friend” status without even meeting in person. She may not be there yet, but she is certainly the front runner for the position. It’s been many years since I’ve had a true “best friend,” right now, I’m enjoying the anticipation of whether she makes it. Who knows, maybe I’ll even make her list. If I don’t, then I’ll eventually, to her, become the nothing that this all started with. But I’m enjoying the ride, and for those who think the internet is for only stalkers and young kids, let this be a lesson to you. Sometimes, someone who was never really a friend, could be that friend you have been looking for.