Jeff’s blog

First couple are short, the one liner kinda tells it all as it is. The next 1 is a little longer and the last one is the one everyone is asking “why?” So, enjoy

1. once was undercut playing basketball which led to having knee surgery, by my brother. Not funny then, only a little funny now.

Playing basketball at Lifeline (as always) I was driving to the basket and Tony tried to cut in front of me and swipe at the ball but got a little too close. That was the last injury I had before the doctor’s said I needed orthoscopic knee surgery.

2. once wore a dress and lip sanc an Amy Grant song, in front of my church. Was funny then, a little embarrassing now.

My church at the time had a talent contest (I think) for the jr high/high school classes. I lip sanc to an Amy Grant song while wearing a jean looking dress over my shorts and t-shirt. I wore clip on earrings and if I remember right, a little bit of make-up. I hope there are no pictures out there but you never know, I guess I won’t be running for office.

3. once dropped a hymnal on accident from the balcony at church during a service, almost hit a baby. Not funny then, almost wasn’t funny ever.

We were sitting in the front row of the balcony and there was a railling on top of the wall. We started to sing out of the hymnals and I rested my book on the railing. The book ended up slipping towards me and in my efforts to catch it, forced it under the railing and I heard it slam into the pew. I looked over the edge and the hymnal lay on the pew right next to a baby in her car seat. The baby was just looking up at me. The song leader kinda stopped as did the back couple of rows (the whole church didn’t notice). I kinda made that, I don’t know, it was an accident shrug and grabbed another hymnal and started singing.

4. once ran around the bases at a softball game, with a hot dog in my pocket. Was funny then, still is pretty funny.

The last 5 years or so when I played softball I was the lead off hitter. I was having my traditional warm-up hot dog before the game sitting on the bench when I heard the umpire shout, play ball. So I shoved the hot dog (no condiments, thank god) in my pocket and went out to hit. I hit a single and standing on 1st base, I pulled out the hot dog and took a bite or two much to the surprise of the 1st basement and the 1st base coach. The next girl up to bat hits a single, I advance to 3rd where I do the same. Pull out my hot dog, eat a bite, look at Paul (he has this funny grin on his face) and say “hope I don’t have to slide at home” and put the rest back in my pocket. To this day, Paul loves to tell that story.

And no, I didn’t have to slide and made it home safely to finish my hot dog.

For those of you who have followed my twitters for a little while, I’ve posted a couple of not funny then, funny now status updates about past embarassing stories. To be honest, I can’t take credit for the idea. Next time your watching “the Big Bang Theory” or “Two and a Half Men”, pause it right after the end of the show. It’ll be a white screen with writing on it. It’s usually pretty funny stuff and once in awhile it’ll be not funny then, funny now stories. As for mine, I will post the original status message followed by the complete story. Then in the future, after I post the status, I will blog the story.

1. once sprained his ankle skiing, on the rope tow back up. Not funny then, funny now.

Went skiing up at Royal Valley (I think) with my mom and brother. I was probably pre-teen. It was the one and only time I went skiing. Did the bunny hill ok so I moved up to the intermediate. Went down all the way without falling then went to grab the rope tow (a rope moving at the speed of lightning) it didn’t rip my arms off so I started up and about half way, twisted my ankle and fell. Come to find out, there was ice frozen to the bottom of my ski’s which is what caught and took me down. I did get a nice ride on a sled to the medical area. Then had to go to the hospital for x-rays. They had to cut my socks off and the nurse took my pants off, very humiliating at that age. I’m also believer in why where clean underwear, if you have an accident, you’ll probably crap in them anyways. Funniest part of the trip was watching my mom try to ski down the hill, she stayed up and made it at the cost of sending the instructor into the bushes.

2. once ate a whole box of Twinkies and had to stay home from school the next day, because of gas. Not funny then, funny now.

Not much to this story. My grandma Rosie would let one of us at a time spend the night at her house, even on school nights because she would drive us to school in the morning. She’d always take us to the grocery store so we could pick something out to snack on. I picked Twinkies. Had a couple throughout the night and then once they went to bed, being the smart guy that I am, snuck out to the kitchen, took the box to my room, at proceeded to eat them all. All was well until the next morning when I was sick. I couldn’t get off the toilet for most of the day and Rosie had to call me in sick.

3. once hit a Mercedes with a rock, wouldn’t confess and my brother, 2 cousins and I all got spanked. Not funny then, funny now.

We were down in North Carolina at my cousins house. There was a junkyard across the street from their house and Kevin and I were throwing rocks at the cars there. A Mercedes drove in front of us and I hit it, couldn’t tell you for sure if it was an accident or not, but she stopped and talked to my uncle about it. He got all 4 of us together and when nobody would confess, he spanked all of us. Moral: If your going to get spanked, make sure the others can’t laugh at you.

4. once was accused of being gay, so I hit on the guy and he freaked out. Was funny then, still pretty funny.

Back when I was originally on 3rd shift (I got hired in on 3rd) I would run the overhead crane for the unracking area. One of the girls (Lori) told me that Tony had told her that he thought I was gay. She told him I was married to a woman and he said it was a cover and I hadn’t come out of the closet yet. So I started to hit on him. I’d walk by and nudge Lori and say loud enough to hear “Boy Tony’s ass is looking mighty fine in those jeans” and he would just say shut up. After awhile, it really got to him and he went off “GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME YOU .” When I wouldn’t stop and after a few winks and puckered lips towards him, he finally said, “ok, I get it, your not gay, now just leave me alone.” I found it rather amusing as did the other unrackers.