Jeff’s blog

As 2009 has closed, I decided to reflect on the year past and this years plans.

2009 started out alright, towards the beginning of the year, my wife and I started renting a fairly big house here in Wakarusa. Great school system for the kids, great small town atmosphere. Samantha was going to school with her cousins and both kids liked the new place. Their rooms were huge and I think they just loved the change. I got to help coach Samantha’s baseball team and had a blast and she loved having her daddy on the team. Something I looked forward to since I had kids and I can’t wait to do it again.

I’ve watched my kids grow this year. Both are getting tall and growing so fast. Samantha started 2nd grade in the fall, played her first year of pitch baseball, had a blast doing gymnastics. started going over to friends houses, is really become a great reader. Trevor finally potty trained, learned to ride his bike, learned to write his name and to count, started pre-school, and is just starting to become his own person. Both are really great kids and I am a lucky parent.

Then it started falling apart. I guess I had known for awhile, maybe even for years, but it really started to sink in that my wife no longer loved me. I had thought about leaving for a long time but I think I was comfortable and I kept telling myself that is just how she was. But the final straw was when she turned down the position to get back on 1st. The position that would have put her back in our families lives. As it was then, I saw her for a few minutes between my shift and hers and for about 20 minutes when she got home and that was it. She saw the kids even less so when she turned down that position I was pissed, I was hurt, I was crushed. That was the final straw, it sank in that there was no more love. I had still loved her at this point, of that I have no doubts. In the next few months, I saw everything else in a new light and saw all the signs I had been ignoring for what they were. I spent evenings crying in my pillow after I put the kids to bed. It finally came time to end it, so I did. We discussed it and decided to separate after 15 years of marriage.

But what came out of this was a new found love. While going through all this on my own, I reached out for help, for someone to talk to and one person responded. We became really good friends, everything just kind of clicked with each other and once I was separated, we decided to become an item. She was there to listen to me complain and she listened. She was there when I was questioning everything around me and she put my questions in perspective. She was there when I was down and picked me up. For the first time in a really long time, I felt loved by a woman again. She made me realize how much I was missing by staying in a marriage with someone who didn’t love me. As this year closes, we’ve been together for 7 months now and still going strong.

So what is to come in 2010? Well so far it looks like I’ll be moving into a bigger place in order to accommodate my bigger family as Cheri and her kids will be moving up here this summer. I look forward to mixing our families together and I look forward to being there for Cheri and her kids. I look forward to watching my kids grow more as Samantha will be starting Girl Scouts and playing baseball again. And Trevor will be starting Kindergarten and playing his 1st year of t-ball. I look forward to helping raise Chris and Skyler, whether they feel that I am a step-father to them or not, I want to be there for them in that capacity. And as far as I am concerned, I will have 2 more kids. I really look forward to just being with Cheri on a daily basis.

So as bad as 2009 was, it was also good. 2010 is looking promising, but as most of you know, you always think your future will be better. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t. But I look forward to it all the same and remain positive that I’m on the right track with my life and with my kids lives.

It begins in a dark alley, it’s raining hard, oh wait, wrong story. I’ve had a few people ask me how Cheri and I met and began this thing we like to call “love”. We went to Jr. High/High School together, although neither remembers the other very well and couldn’t even tell you if we ever talked, but here we are, 19 years later and we both add any classmates to our facebook pages and we’d been “friends” for a little while. Commenting here and there but nothing exciting. She posted a status about an “episode” she had and I commented and we talked a little about it. A day or 2 later, I was on 3rd shift at the time (11pm-7am), and had blown a ring on the seal filters which caused 175 degree chemical (nickel) to shoot out with a force to shoot it approximately 30 feet, or at least it went that far after my arm was out of the way. I tweeted “Just burned my arm with 175 degree chemical. Debating on whether I should go to the hospital or not.” She replied “I think you better!!!!” and we were off. Not quite that night but the next day on facebook, we started sending messages back and forth, checking up on each other. We became friends pretty quickly, she wasn’t working at the time so we started tweeting back and forth while I was at work. We switched to texting because I wasn’t supposed to be online at work. We started talking about everything, we both just opened up, which isn’t all that unusual for me but it was for her. She would stay up as long as she could and keep me company while I was at work. Then as soon as I got up from bed in the afternoon, the first thing I would do is check facebook to see if she sent me anything or if she was on.

A littler later, the kids and I were walking downtown, and I got a text from her saying she just had another “episode” and I hit send on my phone and called her. That would be the first time we actually talked and I think I shocked her by calling. I can even show you where on the sidewalk I was when I received her text. I don’t remember calling again for awhile but our discussions got deeper and deeper. We started IM’ing through yahoo and we started doing tell all questions, ask any question you want and the other had to answer truthfully. This, of course, is really where we got to know each other. About this time in the relationship, I was still in total denial of what I was feeling for her. I could tell she liked me but wasn’t sure what to do, I was in a marriage for 15 years and had never really dated before my wife. Never thought I would end up separated or divorced and have to do it ever.

She ended up coming into town and staying with another classmate of ours, we got together at Hacienda. By this time, I think we both knew what we wanted but we’re afraid of complications because of distance amongst other things. We’ve both recounted this evening and I think we both went into it hoping we wouldn’t like the other like we thought we did. But that didn’t happen, we picked up like we’ve known each other for years (I guess technically we have.) We went back to Nancy’s and went 4 wheeling, they didn’t have enough 4 wheelers for everyone so a couple of us rode together, obviously, I rode with her. She drove and I just rode with my arms around her, I even remember putting my head on her shoulder some, I was just so happy to be there. Afterwards we watched a movie and we cuddled on the couch and probably could have all night long. Everything just felt right.

It all steamrolled from there. We talk, text, IM, e-mail all day and night long. If you ask one of us where the other is at any time of the day, we could probably tell you. Here lately we’ve even called and had a few conversations upwards of 5 hours. We just do whatever we’re doing and keep the other on the line. Sometimes we just sit around our homes and have each other on speaker, carrying on conversations with our kids, kinda of a stretch but it makes the other feel like they are there.

We both feel that this relationship is by far the best we’ve each ever had. Open and honest, we talk about anything and everything. As corny as it sounds, we complete each other. We have so much in common but our differences make up for each other’s deficiency’s. All we want and feel is to be together all the time. Between me having little ones and I refuse to leave them and her uprooting hers and a great job that would be tough to leave, it may not happen for a long time. But we both say we would rather have what we have than not have each other at all. We are both 100% committed to the other. It makes for some bad evening where we just want to be together but it also makes the times we are together so much better.

Now here we are, 6 months later, and we have a cult following. Some classmates and friends follow our relationship and there was even a stretch where neither of us posted anything and a couple of people send messages to us asking if everything was ok, we were too quiet. We’re cheesy and make some people sick with our comments about our love for each other, but we don’t care. As long as we’re talking, we’re happy. And we are both happier than we have ever been.

As great as it was to spend a whole weekend with my girlfriend, it has been even harder ever since. That week, all we did was everyday stuff, ran the kids around, went to their sports, worked. Which made it not feel like a vacation, but like I belonged there. Which was great, while I was there. The problem is, it made my real home life feel not so much like home anymore.

All I think about when I’m alone now is how much I want to be there. I realize one week doesn’t show how we’ll be actually living together. I realize to drop everything here and move there would be a huge step. I realize our love for each other doesn’t mean we will always get along. I also realize that I don’t care. I can’t stop thinking about the times we have spent together and how happy I am during those times. It sounds corny but it is so true with us, we complete each other.

It doesn’t feel fair that we can be so much in love and we can’t even live in the same state. It feels like I’ve done something wrong and am being punished, it is torture. Thank God for technology. We text while we’re at work, talk on the phone every chance we get (had a 6 hr. 39 min. conversation the other night) and IM when we’re both sitting at home on our computers. As much as we talk or chat, I want more. Maybe I’m being selfish for not being content on what we have but she does so much for me that I haven’t had in a long time. She makes me feel loved. With her words and her voice, with her looks and her touch. She actually wants to be around me and I have missed having that feeling of someone who loves me the way she does. Hell, I may have never had that feeling, I just don’t know anymore.

It’s not fair that the one person who makes me extremely happy lives 600 miles. Don’t give me this crap about life isn’t fair and blah, blah, blah. I don’t care, it isn’t fair and it most certainly sucks. We have both discussed this and we both feel it’s better to have what we do then not have anything at all so we’re both in for the long haul. I just hope, for both our mental states, that it isn’t too long of a haul.

Where to start, kind of an odd day today. I did something I very rarely do, kinda blew up about something stupid when it wasn’t even the reason I was frustrated. I pride myself on being in good control of my emotions, I very rarely say something I don’t mean (I said rarely, I’m certainly far from perfect). The day started off alright, then gradually went downhill.

I texted Cheri “I feel all alone”
her response “why?”
me “not sure how it started but i’m realizing how few friends I have. Which would be zero”
and so on

All awhile this is going on, I noticed we are only running 3 anodizers (I know most are lost but try to bear with me.) It irritated the crap out of me that we were working all weekend and we’re not even running full production. I go to break and just start ripping into the guy running the middle section (who was only doing what his line leader told him too.) Literally, couldn’t stop myself, I was so pissed. After break, I went back upstairs to work and started thinking, why did that bother me so much, I’m used to the stupid things they do here at work, it doesn’t usually irritate me that bad. The more I thought about it, the more I understood, it was a reaction to my mood. So I had to contemplate on what mood I was in and why. In the end, it came down to being frustrated that the one person who understands me and the one person that I love lives 600 miles away and it was frustrating me.

I’m a thinker, I like to work out problems in my head. Every time Cheri and I are together and we leave, I spend the next couple of hours just trying to think of way for us to be together and both of us have what we want. After a couple of really good evenings this week chatting with her online, some really good, deep conversations. I found myself doing it again, just trying to figure out a way. I wanted to talk to someone about it, but I just don’t really have that kind of friendship with anyone else other than Cheri and I think today I got to a breaking point. Once I realized what all the feelings were about, I felt stupid and embarrassed and ashamed of the way I acted. I couldn’t believe I drug stuff from home into the work place, hence the something I rarely ever do.

In the end, I apologized to the guy that I gave a hard time too (I think he was shocked.) He harassed me some, and said we were cool. I even told everyone in the break room at lunch that I was wrong and that I had apologized to him.

After I identified what was bugging me, everything kinda fell back in place, my mood lifted and I felt better. I’m not sure what lesson you are supposed to take from this blog, but I know once I figured out it had nothing to do with the guy, I felt like crap. I always got on people for dragging their home life into work and taking it out on other people, and here I was doing the same thing. One lesson I guess I can take from this is next time someone is yelling at me, maybe I shouldn’t give it back because they just may need to vent and as long as it doesn’t hurt me, let it go. I have a real hard time letting things go when I feel that I’m wronged and I guess I feel wronged by falling in love with someone who I can’t be with physically. Mentally, we are strong, we know what we want and we both know what’s holding each back from moving. The problem is, we’re both good parents and neither want to leave their kids. I guess I can blame my mom for teaching me family always comes first. I know one day, we will both be together, I just hope I don’t go crazy or do too much of the stupid stuff mentioned above before it happens.

A matter of perception can mean a lot when it comes to the perception other have on you. For instance, my relationship with Cheri. Some people think it’s a rebound for me, some think it’ll never last because of the distance, other’s just don’t know what to think. But that’s not what this blog is about, it’s about self perception.

I can go back as little as 6 months and can tell you I didn’t think much of myself. Funny thing was, I didn’t even know it. I had confidence in my ability, always have, but my self esteem had taken a hit in the last 5 years or so. I won’t go into why as that isn’t important. What is important is how I came to the realization that my self esteem was in the toilet. I met a girl, sounds simple enough, little did I know this girl would turn my world around. What started off as a friendship, someone I could turn to just to complain or share in my joy, blossomed to what it is today.

What is it today, you ask? A real life fairy tale unfolding in front of me. Cheri and I live 600 miles a part and yet I feel closer to her than I ever have anyone. Thanks to technology, we can stay in touch 24/7. We text when one or both aren’t home, and instant message when we both are. We share pictures and videos all the time, even just to show ourselves for the day. But what does all this have to do with my self perception. Well, it’s all because of the little things that I have missed for many years. The compliments about me, the caring voice when i’m doing something stupid and when we’re together, the touching, the hand on my back, the coming up behind me and hugging me, the holding hands, the caressing and even the cuddling.

Again, what does this have to do with perceptions of oneself? I don’t remember what I was like 6 months ago. but I can tell you how I am today. I walk around with my head held high, I catch myself smiling all the time, I sing out loud, whistle, clap all just while I’m walking around. In general, i’m just a happier person. You can’t be that happy and have no self esteem. Cheri has been heaven sent just for me, she makes my life a way better place than it ever was. She has raised my esteem to heights I never thought it could go, just by showing me that someone can love me and find me attractive again. It amazes me how much one persons perception of another can make that person’s perception of themselves so much better.

In closing, remember those perceptions travel both ways, remember next time you are making fun of someone, how your perception of them might effect the perception they have on themselves. I’ve been there as well, it helped me grow but it took it’s toll on me when I was in school. But all that is in the past, I’m as happy as I can be and I see no reason for it to end anytime soon.

On Friday, we went to our 5th annual Father’s Day weekend camping trip. I took a half day as to get over to my moms and start packing up the vehicles. After some delays on getting everything packed up we were off. As we are heading down there, I’m watching the outside temperature gauge in the van go from 78 degrees all the way to 91 degrees when we get there. First thing I notice as we enter the campgrounds, is there is barely any cell service. Already knew this might be a problem as it was last year, but I was hoping a new tower went up since then, no such luck. We step outside and it was so muggy. We all start unpacking our vehicles and putting up tents. In the past, Tina and I have been the laughing stock because it always took us so long time to put up our tent. This year, Nae and I put it up in about 20 minutes. So I guess we all know who the problem was all these years – lol. After all the tents are up and we are all sweating our asses off. A storm rolls through to the north of us, really cools down the campgrounds, just as it starts to get nice, here come the rest of the crew. We ate supper of burgers, dogs and Brad had brought marinated shrimp all on the grill. Some mac and cheese as well for the kids. Before it gets to dark, we break out the cornhole game that Brad brought. Teams were Tony and I verse Brad and Robert. Brad and I threw against each other and Tony and Robert threw. Brad and I pointed like crazy but we were always cancelling each other out. We quit with 1 game a piece needing a rubber match. We quit when it started to get dark. It started to rain not long after and we tried to play some games under the awning that we keep everything but the rain started coming down at angles with the wind and we decided to pack it up and head for bed. After we get in bed it’s start pouring rain and very windy. I texted Cheri as long as I could in the tent before we both decided to head for bed. Everytime I hit send on a message, I would have to hold my phone up in the air and hope the message went through. I needed that Cheri time too because we hadn’t been able to communicate much during the evening. I’d be doing something and my phone would go nuts during the evening. I finally be somewhere to get service and I’d get 10 or 12 messages at once that were all waiting.

Saturday morning, we get up, have some breakfast and swap stories about our flooding tents as we all had some. Started playing cornhole again, only this time Robert & Kristen had taken the kids fishing so we replace Robert with Randy. Picked up where we left off the night before at 1-1. We took it to a game 7 before Tony and I pulled it out. After that we all went down to the beach. Most of the adults stayed up at the picnic table while some laid out in the sun while the kids all tore off into the water. After awhile, we headed back to the campsite for lunch and relaxation. Kids played and rode around on their bikes while the adults took showers, kicked back, took some naps. ect. Eventually, we ate supper of marinated chicken & more shrimp with potatoes. After stuffing ourselves, we went back to your cornhole game and it just got embarressing. Tony and I realed off win after win for about 8-10 straight victories. Brad didn’t want to quit until he won a game so we had to put lanterns under the boards so we could see the holes in the dark. Brad finally gave in and we went and had some smores and sat around the fire. This was a great time around the fire because Samantha was falling asleep on me. After I sent her to bed, Trevor climbed in my lap and did the same. To this day, I love nothing more than my child to fall asleep on me. I’ll miss that when they grow up. Everyone headed off to bed and I went to the tent for my “Cheri time” As great as this weekend was, it really sucked that Cheri and I couldn’t talk. We rely on modern technology to keep us together and apparently camping isn’t modern enough yet.

Sunday morning, I got woke up to the kids yelling at me because they wanted to give me my father’s day cards. So I got up, and all the father’s opened their cards. The kids cards were great, they made them, I assume last week some time. They both had the Michigan logo on them along with father’s day greetings. Couldn’t have asked for better cards. After breakfast, we started to tear down the tents and get ready to leave. We took the kids down to the beach one last time, this time I got in the water with them. Had a really great time there as well because both kids hovered around me the whole time, it was good time with Trevor because we were out pretty deep and he thought he had to hang on to me, we played together awhile and Samantha would pop over and play as well. Like I said, a really good time. After that we changed clothes and headed home.

Best part of the trip home was I was able to talk to Cheri without holding my arm up in the air. As great as a time as I had camping, it was hard not being able to communicate with her. We tell each other what we’re doing most of the time and I think that’s because we’re so far away we both want to know what each other are doing. I was expecting more questions from the family about what was going on, i’m sure they know the stuff about Tina but was expecting question about Cheri. I think they think it’s just a rebound kind of thing and I’ll eventually tire of it. But I don’t see that happening, I see spending a long time with Cheri. We seem to be perfect for each other, like we’ve been waiting for each other our whole lives. Even though we are 600 miles apart, we feel like we’re together most of the time, thanks to technology. The first time we saw each other again, it was like we known each other our whole lives, it was comfortable, no nervousness or anything. We text good mornings and IM goodnights. We text all day long and when we’re both at our homes we IM until bedtime. We don’t put our lives on hold either, we log off to take care of the kids or other commitments. Which tells me i’m not obsessing, i’m in love. Maybe after Cheri and I have been together for a few years, people will start to see the committment we have for each other and take the relationship as serious as we do.

Anyways, I digress. The camping trip probably doesn’t sound like much to most of you. But I had a really good time and have some good memories of time with the kids and the rest of the family. Some time with my older nieces as well, they came to the family late and I get the feeling they aren’t always comfortable around me. I have fun joking around with them, not sure they always do with me. Oh well, good time was had, that’s all that matters. Now I’m back home to real life, not sure that’s really a good thing but it is what it is.